Moving On & Not Giving Up

I’ve moved on, but I haven’t given up.

There’s a big difference from moving on and giving up. Giving up means that you’ve lost all hope of a future with that person. Moving on means that you’re okay with living your life independently from that person.

What God gifted us with is irreplaceable. You gave me memories of a lifetime and I can only hope one day we can resume making some of these memories. As of right now, we have both turned to different chapters within our lives. We want different things and we both need to grow independently. We need to work on ourselves, thank you for seeing this.

I have not given up. I still feel as though there could be something there in the future. But I have moved on, and I am okay with the strong possibility that we do not end up together. I am looking forward to finding who I am. Away from the friends I’ve had for years and away from the family that has guarded me from life. I needed to be completely set free in the fall, and I will finally be able to do this with no ties bringing me back to the person I have been trained to be.

So I will continue to be okay with not being with you or even talking to you. But I am optimistic for the future and the lessons we will both learn in life. I am happy to be free and I can’t wait to get to know who Tayler is, I only hope that eventually you’ll want to know who the more experienced and mature Tayler, because no one has met her yet.

The lesson here is, move on but don’t give up because once you give up you could be missing out on a ton of good opportunities for the future.

Goodbye Senior Year.

You were either really good to me, or really bad to me and there really is no in between.

The beginning of the year was really great. I had everything I wanted. The perfect relationship, the best friends, senior year was going to be great. Then as the year crept on it only got worse. I lost some of the most important friends in my life, but I still had something to hold onto. Then May hit and anyone who knows me, know May is definitely not my month. I lost the one thing I held so dearly. Yeah I got my bestfriend back and made some new ones, but it just wasn’t the way it should be.

After losing something you love so much you start to break apart. I am broken beyond belief. You’d think after dealing with something so much that you would get used to it, but that’s not true. Going through this has caused so much pain and struggling. I am losing sight of who I am and I am losing myself.

I know I will be okay, I know God has plans for me. And I know that through this I am made to learn. I needed to realize my problems and my issues. Going through the things I have gone through has caused me so much pain, but the lessons I have learned through the pain have become so valuable.

So yes it’s hard. And I miss you everyday, but I know things will get better. If I have learned anything in this world, it’s to not give up. If something is supposed to happen it will. I know I will be okay. I have learned what I needed to learn. I always give second chances, I just hope that I’ll be able to get one too.

So senior year, you were not good to me, but you taught me a lot, and for that I am truly thankful.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

May Madness

It’s been six days since May has begun and it has already been one of the most overwhelming months of my life.

Not only is this the last month of school, but it is the last month I will be doing the same thing I have been doing everyday for the last 13 years of my life. As graduation rapidly approaches us, it is becoming apparent that I will not be walking the halls of my school for much longer. I will not be seeing the people I have seen every year anymore. High school has been an interesting experience for me. I lost some of the people I have been friends with for years, I have rekindled old friendships and gained some of the best friends I know I will have all of my life. I have had ups and down and in betweens, and there are days I wish I could’ve prevented from ever happening, and there are days I wish I could relive every second.

Within this last week I lost someone who meant the absolute world to me. But from that I realized that every action you take can have an effect on someone. I learned that from the mood swings and the grumpy days, you may not be able to keep a person for much longer. But I also learned that the first person you really fall in love with will be so hard to let go. It seems as though you can never move on from talking to them all day and telling them about everything that happens in your day. But if you were lucky like I am, you won’t have to stop talking to this person, you just have to find happiness outside of each other in order to grow as individual people, and then you will eventually be able to become happier than you were before and this could even bring two people closer together. I know that this isn’t the end of my story with this person, it was just the end of a chapter. Throughout this I have had to turn to God to heal my heartache, and Psalms 147:3 spoke out to me.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

May has only just begun. I have already been swamped with things to do and some of the most tiring days. From student council, school, and work, I don’t even know if I have time see people aside from those that will be along side me. From the Senior Breakfast to Grad Nite, I have never stayed awake for so long, and I have never felt more exhaustion than I did walking from Disneyland to California Adventure and waiting in line for Starbucks at 10 pm. I was still able to enjoy myself and have an amazing night with some of the best friends. But the madness isn’t over just yet. I still have work, school, AP testing, senior sunset, Prom, and Graduation. These next five weeks are going to fly by and I am realizing now that senior year will soon be over within a blink of an eye.

No matter how many struggles I have gone through throughout all of my schooling, I have made some of the best memories and I have met so many people that have had such a huge part in my life. I am happy I have had the experiences I have had because it has only prepared me for what the real world has to come.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 
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Love vs Lust

Love: an intense feeling of deep emotion.

Lust: a strong desire

Love and Lust. Everyone hears about it, everyone knows the difference between them when it comes to explaining them, but everyone seems to confuse them when it’s happening to them.

Recently I have experienced these things in my life. Not necessarily in the sexual way, but in my everyday life. You see a lot of people, especially girls, confuse these things, and even more especially when it comes to boys. It seems easier for girls to fall in the trap of love. Girls think a guy means it when he says “I love you” and then proceeds to make a move. You see it would sound weird if a guy said “I lust after you,” right? That’s when love takes a downward spiral and falls into a deep dark hole of lust.

People are easily deceived when it comes to love and lust. Lust is one of the seven deadly sins, but also the one that isn’t as apparent at first. You see everyone lusts after something. Whether it’s that person who sits next to you in class, or your dream college, or that new iPhone. Everyone lusts, because the way I view it, wanting something, is lusting after it (in the non secular way of course).

Love is hard. It’s hard for people to really fully experience unconditional love. But that unconditional love is the love we receive from God. I mean come on, John 3:16, “For God so loved the world he gave his one and only son, so we will not perish but have eternal life.” Like what the heck!!! That is some real love there. You see, I fully believe that people have the ability to love one another, in fact I hope to God people do, but I don’t know if people can fully love someone unconditionally. See it’s easy for people of faith to identify love versus lust. We feel love because God loves us, but we also feel lust because people love sin, and sin loves lust. It is up to us as people to be able to decipher that idea of love and lust, and to avoid ever acting on lust.  

Love and lust is so so hard. People are so confused as to which is what. It is so important for people to remember what love really is and the way God loves us.

It is extremely important for people to realize that they can confuse love and lust. Lust can get you in a lot of trouble, especially if it is confused with love.

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

2 Timothy 2:22 

For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.

1 John 2:16

 

March

WOW

We are three days into this month and so much has already happened!! I am now employed once again (THANK YOU JESUS), I am also becoming closer to God and I can tell you I haven’t felt this good in a while!!

So starting March first I decided I was going to do daily devotionals. This was hard because I didn’t kn0w where to look and what to study. I found a website called Student Devos (click the link to check it out!) It has been so so so amazing! It’s only a verse a day but that one verse has a little section of analyzing and motivation in it. It gives me so much inspiration and I can find a way that that exact verse helps me.

Here’s a picture of what it looks like: I loved this devotional because, although it may be simple, it applies to every one of us!!

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So each day I do a devotional. I take 15-20 minutes out of my day to stop everything, put my phone down, and play Christian music and focus on what I am reading. I bought a really cute new journal and each day is a new page. I write down the date and the verse at the top of the page. Then I go on to take notes about what the devotional says and then I write my thoughts about the verse. After that I write down my prayers. Since I am not good at actually talking to God I find it much easier to write it down and release it to him.

Here’s an example of one of my devotionals:

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Overall, life has been pretty decent. I’m moving on from the past and finding happiness in what I have in my life and not what I don’t. I see God working through my life and giving me opportunities to share his word with others. I’m excited to see what the months leading up to colleges gives me and I’m even more excited for the things that are going to happen in college.

BTW: GCU HERE I COME!!!!!

God’s Design

Insecurities.

Over the last couple of days I went on the most amazing leadership retreat to Disneyland with my amazing student council. This program was focused on helping us become closer, but also help find out who we were as leaders.

The first session was a repeat of last year. I didn’t find myself enjoying it, or staying engaged at all. I wish this wasn’t the case because I was unable to learn more about myself and I was unable to get closer with my council.

The second session was on the third day. They talked about personal leadership and how YOU could grow as a leader. It started off by asking us who our Giant was. Who the person in your life has been an example and has guided you throughout life. Then they asked which set of words described your morals and your values. The two words that stuck out to me most were “loyalty” and “faithfulness”. Loyalty has been a huge thing for me recently. I have felt completely abandoned and as though loyalty has died. Faithfulness was based on my faith and the faithfulness I have towards God and my faith.

Now this didn’t seem like such a big deal, right? But then we went on to a couple more activities. Then we went onto this activity where we had to think about something we are insecure about and something that we are scared about. This really hit home with me. For as long as I can remember I have been insecure about the way I look, but especially insecure in who I am. It was hard for me to drop my insecurity and then be able to pick up and say something that I am good at without say “I think, I may be.”

Hours later this brought me to think about why I am so insecure and what has lead up to this. I realized that I surrounded myself with a toxic person who brought me down for a good majority of my life. I was always called “annoying” and “stupid.” When I went through something hard all they said was “you’re so stupid.” Imagine hearing that almost everyday most of your life. It sucked. And I let it get to me, and soon it started feeding into my mind, and I let myself believe those words.

My camp leader, Jennie, quoted Eleanor Roosevelt when saying, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I was giving someone else the ability to tell me who  was. I was made to feel like I wasn’t enough because of the words of someone else.

I am realizing now, that I have a lot to make up for. I have years of giving someone else the capabilities of telling me who I am, instead of myself. It’s going to take me a while to work on talking about myself better, but once I get toxic people taken out of my life, I know I will be able to do it.

I know I am worth more than someone’s stupid, immature, rude, and ignorant comments coming from their lack of self-worth. I know I am more than what people have said to me, because their opinions don’t matter. I am working on myself now. I am working to be the best me that I can be, and that means getting rid of those people who constantly bring me down and tear me apart.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 

Psalms 139:13-15

I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am made exactly how God wants me to be made. No one, absolutely no one has the power to tell me that I am not enough because God says I am enough, and I am made in his works. I will no longer allow the devil to work through people around me to make me feel like God didn’t make me the way he wanted to make me. I will no longer let to evil in people to take over me.

I am enough. I am made in God’s image. I am the way I am supposed to be. I am loved.

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Halfway.

Halfway.

I’m halfway through senior year. There have been some amazing memories, and there have been some not so amazing memories. As the days go on, college and leaving becomes more and more apparent. I’m realizing that soon I’ll be packing up all my stuff and going to Utah to start my new life.

Senior year so far has been amazing. I have the most amazing boyfriend, and I have never been closer with my parents. I have discovered who my real friends are, and honestly, it’s not the people I imagined it would be. I have felt love and happiness in the first time in a long time. I have experienced things I don’t think I would have ever had the chance to.

Senior year has also been pretty sucky. I realized that the person who I called my best friend has completely left me behind. I have never been treated worse in my entire life and if that’s what friendship is then I don’t want anything to do with it. I have had a really hard time dealing with one of my best friends living a couple thousand miles away from me, especially on the days I feel alone the most. And on top of that my other best friend is moving at the beginning of the summer.

Most people say that high school is the best time of their life, it’s not, at least not for me. But the one thing about high school is that you grow. You become stronger from having your heart torn out of you so many times. You are able to move on from things and just suppress your feelings and understand that we live in a cold cold world.

The only thing I can say about senior year so far is you learn a lot. You learn who your friends are. You learn who is gonna back you up.

God tells us to not fear of being lonely. He is always there. God knew when he put us on this Earth what pain we would endure, and he knows who the right people in your life should be.

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

-Proverbs 18:24