Insecurities.

Over the last couple of days I went on the most amazing leadership retreat to Disneyland with my amazing student council. This program was focused on helping us become closer, but also help find out who we were as leaders.

The first session was a repeat of last year. I didn’t find myself enjoying it, or staying engaged at all. I wish this wasn’t the case because I was unable to learn more about myself and I was unable to get closer with my council.

The second session was on the third day. They talked about personal leadership and how YOU could grow as a leader. It started off by asking us who our Giant was. Who the person in your life has been an example and has guided you throughout life. Then they asked which set of words described your morals and your values. The two words that stuck out to me most were “loyalty” and “faithfulness”. Loyalty has been a huge thing for me recently. I have felt completely abandoned and as though loyalty has died. Faithfulness was based on my faith and the faithfulness I have towards God and my faith.

Now this didn’t seem like such a big deal, right? But then we went on to a couple more activities. Then we went onto this activity where we had to think about something we are insecure about and something that we are scared about. This really hit home with me. For as long as I can remember I have been insecure about the way I look, but especially insecure in who I am. It was hard for me to drop my insecurity and then be able to pick up and say something that I am good at without say “I think, I may be.”

Hours later this brought me to think about why I am so insecure and what has lead up to this. I realized that I surrounded myself with a toxic person who brought me down for a good majority of my life. I was always called “annoying” and “stupid.” When I went through something hard all they said was “you’re so stupid.” Imagine hearing that almost everyday most of your life. It sucked. And I let it get to me, and soon it started feeding into my mind, and I let myself believe those words.

My camp leader, Jennie, quoted Eleanor Roosevelt when saying, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I was giving someone else the ability to tell me who  was. I was made to feel like I wasn’t enough because of the words of someone else.

I am realizing now, that I have a lot to make up for. I have years of giving someone else the capabilities of telling me who I am, instead of myself. It’s going to take me a while to work on talking about myself better, but once I get toxic people taken out of my life, I know I will be able to do it.

I know I am worth more than someone’s stupid, immature, rude, and ignorant comments coming from their lack of self-worth. I know I am more than what people have said to me, because their opinions don’t matter. I am working on myself now. I am working to be the best me that I can be, and that means getting rid of those people who constantly bring me down and tear me apart.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 

Psalms 139:13-15

I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am made exactly how God wants me to be made. No one, absolutely no one has the power to tell me that I am not enough because God says I am enough, and I am made in his works. I will no longer allow the devil to work through people around me to make me feel like God didn’t make me the way he wanted to make me. I will no longer let to evil in people to take over me.

I am enough. I am made in God’s image. I am the way I am supposed to be. I am loved.

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